On Boredom

I'm bored to death!

The above line has been my favorite for years now. O yea, nothing baaad has really happened in the last couple of years of my life, so I shouldn't complain, I know that. But the truth is nothing really happened. And all I know is that this nothingness is killing me. I could totally use a little drama in my life.

Wait, a little drama? Do I really need more drama? Hmm. That's a tough question. I have to answer this question first: is there any drama in my life? or has there been any?

If quitting school out of naiveté, thinking it might change my life forever, only to find myself arguing with my dad through the last four years of my life, withdrawing myself from society and getting so close to run away from home forever - I spent the night walking around town in the rain with my whole body soaking wet - count as drama then perhaps I don't need any more drama. Perhaps what I need then is a fresh new start, to develop a more normal me.

It's only in theory

The funny thing (which might not be so funny) is I don't feel like my life has been full of drama. My head keeps telling me that everything that has happened was nothing big, and I should endure all the pains. They only hurt a little anyway.

But that's only the theory. If it's true, why don't I ever feel okay? Why would I ever feel so sick of my life, and myself? Why would I ever think that I'm worthless and it's best to end my life?

And still my head would say that everything's okay and everything's normal. I'm being spoiled. I'm always wrong. And I would hate myself even more because I can't be strong enough to overcome all my fears all by myself.

Then again reality strikes, telling me no matter how cruel I am to myself, no mater how far I punish myself, the world can still be much more cruel. So why don't I do myself a favor and be good?

Enough drama

So I've come to the conclusion that it's not about my life's lack of drama - it might not be the most dramatic life, but yea it's been dramatic enough - it's about me treating myself wrong. I've been imprisoned by my own fears and anxieties, I can no longer see things clearly, and find it hard to indulge myself with small things I have in life.

You see, when we can no longer enjoy small things, life would seem so unfriendly and hopeless, our self worthless, and our spirit to pursue our dreams will vanish before it blooms. And that's exactly what I've lost. What I need to do is get it back, learn to love myself again. Then I'll be too busy pursuing dreams that I don't have time to feel bored!